This year I resolve not to confuse the piece for a whole
to recognize the peace in the hole (give me peace in my soul)
the cavity: negative space left in absence of friends near to heart but far from body
never-quite-replaced by impostors close to body but never meeting eyes
This year I won’t want for someone else to understand me
This year I resolve to protect my best friend, even when she is me
even when her words hit too close to home
lambasting me with lashings
spinning webs of weaponized thought
jumping the myelin bridges in my unguarded still-naive
not-yet-fully-developed
young adult mind
even when my flaws are swallowing me whole
impulses shorting — crack!
unencumbered by
inhibitions lubed with alcohol
sometimes it’s not safe here
with a heart in swollen pieces
because I cut it up
for reasons I haven’t lived my way to the bottom of yet
This year I will write more and say less
I will want for grey matter — not for grey friendships
I want for grey hairs — but for now I’ll settle for flecks of blonde (because I’m fun)
& I’ll stop spelling gray the British way just because I think it’s classy
Nothing is inherently classy except a good book and a healthy respect for all living kind
This year I won’t confuse a piece for the whole
I think maybe humanity shares a collective soul
else, why would I find something
I want to keep in every person I meet
Even if my mind is trained to categorize and to stereotype
in spite of view
I stubbornly fight for the right to match and to defy
others’ projections/definitions/rising inflections and shady looks
remembering we all have a right to identify ourselves however we choose
& I have that right, too.
There is a part of every person that shines like the sun
There is a part of every person that wants to run
I want to run
to the future
& find my own light
& give only the best pieces of myself to the world
even as the worst parts poke out of the collective soul, thriving like weeds,
surviving generations like those light sleepers and those heavy dreamers — never wiped out by random chance
This year…
I’ll stop asking for permission to be my complete self
I’ll stop taking silence for rejection & I’ll finally buy a bookshelf
I’ll take up space and live my life
converting my potential into kinetics into weaponized love–into light.
I’ll give less of myself to each person, and more of myself to the world
This year I won’t confuse the piece for the whole
This year, I’ll create peace in my soul
-Aarushi Agni
